If life was like Resident Evil
by Chicky Tifa
Summary: If like was like Resident Evil... What could happen? The possibilities, the brain straining puzzles and endless corridors, what would it be like? Please r


Lose your way,  
And I will follow,  
Here Today,  
And Here Tomorrow,  
But the feelings I know,  
I'll never let you go....  
  
' Lose your way' By Sophie B Hawkins.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the stuff.  
  
If life was like Resident Evil....  
  
Set in Uni, with my friends.  
  
Chicky Tifa awoke with a start from her dreams. Dreams full of tyrants, never ending zombies and a horrific Nemesis. She still dreamed about them though she had never heard of them before. Rising, she grabbed her terracotta silk bathrobe, and pulled it on. Her room was empty, her roomies already having left for various lectures, Chicky smiled at the luck of having lectures in the afternoon.  
  
She walked over to the dingy bathroom, to find that all the crests were missing. Damn. She had a vague idea where they were hidden though. She walked over to the grand piano that stood in the corner of that room. The piano took up much of the space in the already cramped room that housed six people.

Yet they loved the piano, it stood gathering dust in the corner of the room. Such joy obtained from it. She played a few chords of 'Who Let The Dogs Out' and as she thought a large crest in the shape of a dog fell from the ceiling, nearly giving her concussion.

But she did not care. She had endured worse injuries. As she stood, looking in the mirror her eyes stared at her scar. A scar so small, that you could vouch for it not even existing. It had come as a result of a serious accident, a paper cut. She remembered, reaching for her graph paper and dropping it on her bare knees. The horror was too terrible to contemplate, still sending shivers down her spine.

She slotted the one of the crests in. She then pondered on the next location for the crests. Her eyes rested on Serra's bottles of pills. They were arranged neatly on the dresser. Chicky swiftly put them in order of most used (naturally the PILL being first, shortly followed by the laxatives) and as she thought, the picture of Cliff Richard fell down to reveal a shiny crest, in the shape of a carrot.

She slotted that one in too. The next crest lay in the most dangerous location. Lovebug's bedroom. The bedroom was giving rise to a new form of bacteria, extracted from mouldy pizza found under the bed. A chart had been drawn up to measure the height of mess, a handy metal detector near the bed, for detecting necklaces, jewellery, etc.

The House Cat had mysteriously vanished, and had been found with six kittens in the closet. Lovebug had outgrown the number of clothes at the bottom of the 'pile' and had a government warning taped to the door 'Enter at Own Risk'. Chicky braced herself, and armed with a broom, she approached the door. She flung it open and the familiar smell of fermented fish guts greeted her.

Then all of a sudden a HUGE snake emerged from under the bed. It was made entirely of mouldy pizza and old socks, and lunged at Chicky. Chicky attacked it with the broom and was only able to force it to retreat with a shout of ' I'll get a vacuum cleaner!' and with that the snake slid back into the mysterious underworld of underneath Lovebug's bed. Sighing with relief, Chicky pocketed the Pizza Crest and fled out of the room. The last crest was found. She slotted them in and the door opened.  
  
After 28 mins and 34 secs in the bathroom, Chicky was done. Pulling her body warmer over her shoulders, she tried to remember the code for the safe; she had stored her Biochemistry project in. After 2 hours of brain straining work, the safe door opened, to reveal Serra's stash of used Undies. Super.

Chicky decided to present these as her project. A guaranteed A. She loaded up her Beretta and took some extra clips, and prepared to leave. She always carried a Beretta, they were all the range these days. A defence against dogs and Cliff Richard. A real fashion item. The Halls of the Science Block could be dangerous, abstract pictures and weird sculptures lined the grey halls whilst the jocks stared at you like you were a billboard advertising Women's underwear. Blood stained combats and bloody knifes were top-notch fashion too.

They gave you the look of 'I've just been locked in a mansion full of Zombies Look' very high on street cred. Chicky needed more clips, and she knew Missy had a secret stash. She walked into Missy's lilac room and to her surprise; they were very conveniently placed on the shelf. She quickly grabbed them , shock of horrors, the stereo started up with a medley of Elton John songs!, Chicky turned to the door but found it was locked, she tried to wretch it open, but it would not yield.

She covered her ears and fell to the floor with hysterical convulsions, whilst Elton John blared on. There was a suddenly convenient knock on the door. Lottie's flutey voice called out

' Chicky is that you?!'  
'Yes! Break down the door!'  
' Move back!'  
Lottie's platforms broke down the door, and her manicured hands pulled Chicky away from the horror that was Elton John.

' Jeez, are you Okay?' she asked.  
' Yeah'.  
' You have to be careful. Going to Chem is dangerous, particularly dangerous if you go into a girl's room and she has Elton John hooked on as a trap'.  
'Why did she just hook up a trap to hide some crappy clips?'.  
' For the same reason that Serra keeps her stash of used undies in a safe. We're all totally insane'.'Point taken but Lottie, how come you're here? I thought you had a lecture to got to?'  
'Ummm, I heard screams'.  
'But I wasn't screaming'.  
'OK! OK! OK! Between 10 and 11 in the morning I have to go to the sink and scrape out the insides of the sink and eat it. If I don't, I'm not the same ME and I feel all useless.  
'Strange'.  
'I know, it was my up bringing'.  
'Oh'.  
'We are now faced with another problem. If we leave without turning the light switch off, the stereo will go into overload, and blow up'.'So why don't we just turn of the light switch?'  
' The light switch has a cog missing'.  
'Ah. Any idea where it could be?'.  
' Crimson's room.'  
' Okay, I'll check that out'.  
' I'll look in the sink' she narrows her eyes conspiratorially.Chicky shrugs and reloads her berretta. She flings open the door, and was greeted with dark red staring walls, which gave rise to the owner's name. The picture of the spice girls, post Geri leaving glared at her. Chicky had an oh- so convenient brain wave and turned off the light switch. Words appeared upon the poster. Next to Posh Spices face the word 'Silicon' appeared, next to Baby's face was 'Anti Growth Hormone', on Scary's there was ' Karma' and on Sporty one it was 'Anorexia'.Putting them together in her mind Chicky came out with the sentence 'Spice Girls are really really really fake' and with that, a secret door that Chicky knew was there opened. She slide inside and a Big green poisonous plant that Crimson kept as a pet greeted her with a loud 'HYUIOPPP!', Jeez, thought Chicky, what the hell is she feeding it. Behind the plant was a cog. Chicky cleverly poured a solution of hair dye, cosmetics and Cheese into the plants pot. It immediately shrivelled up and died.

The mixture had killed it. Slipping behind the wavering creepers, she got hold of the huge cog that measured 1m by 3m, and fitted like a glove in her pockets. When she returned, Lottie had her face stuck down the sink and was digging into sewage. She turned and looked at Chicky, her face lined with green gunky stuff.

' So you found it?'  
' Yeah, and it fitted in pockets, along with my shotgun, shell, first aid kit, spare shot gun, spare shells, spare first aid kit, etc'.  
' Yuh. Lets put in, and turn the light switch off'.  
They did so, and left the room.

They walked down the hallways, guns pointed at the jocks, aiming shots at them systematically and dodging the coffee- breathed teachers. They came to a door, which was locked. Lottie tried prying it open with a hairgrip, exasperated she said:

'I know this room holds practically nothing, but I still want to look in'.  
'We need a key. Carving of Large Rat Dropping'  
'Why don't we move those statues around a bit in some desperate hope that the key will jump out at us'.

'Mindlessness annoys me. However it works most of the time'.  
And with that, they moved the statues into pretty shapes and patterns, and as soon as they moved the Abraham Lincoln statue and Martin Luther King statue into a starfish position, there was a large click and a key the shape of a large rat dropping fell from the heavens.' So Lincoln and Luther had a lot more in common that a mutual interest in human rights...'  
Chicky grabbed the key and turned it in the lock. It clicked and the door swung open.  
Lottie entered first and gave a loud exclamation. The room was full of used undies, dating back from Albert Einstein, to Serra Soulfire. A whole century of undies, a great find. Lottie ran and did a long jump into them.' Fun, as this may be to you, Lotts, but let's get a move on'.  
'Oww. Ok.'  
They jog down the halls, but they got cornered by a group of Water Jocks. They were advancing towards them; arms' outstretched, reeking of chlorine, clad in only tight trunks, the sight was one of gore and extreme grossness. Lottie tried a dodge, but was cornered and forced onto the ground. One jock climbed on top of her, and proceeded to teach her how to do the real breaststroke...'Over under!, Arms wide! WIDE!'  
'Make him stop!'  
Chicky pushed the boy off her friend and shouted 'Nobody teaches my friend to swim! I'm planning to drown her!'Lottie stumbled to her feet and Chicky grabbed her and half carried her into the nearest room. Chicky stumbled to the nearest room, and shoved Lottie inside, whilst bolting the door. Lottie heaved herself onto a chair and cried her eyes out.

The horror of the past 2 minutes flooding out. Chicky busied herself, putting in her wasted shot gun, in a magical box, which somehow magically appeared in rooms when she went to go into store rooms. After the sobbing had somewhat decreased, and all the blue mascara smudged, Chicky went to comfort her friend.

' It was terrible'  
' I know'  
'No you don't'  
  
'Yes I do'  
' How?'  
' Being in a car cram with one of those guys is just as bad'  
' Your right there, hon'

' Look, here's a type writer, I can safe my progress'  
' So if I come back here tomorrow, I could relive today?'  
' Seems so'  
' Strange that a top notch college should use type writers'  
' Tradition'  
' YES! I can go back and alter my fateful date with my IT teacher!'  
' You didn't save that'  
'Shucks'  
'And I slot this never ending ink ribbon which I carry with me at all times in here'  
' Good idea. You never know when you need one of those!'  
After the saving business was over and they had changed their chlorine soaked clothes, with the retro ones hanging in the lockers, they left.' Watch out Lottie! Pizza Faced Nerds at One clock!'  
' It's the pistol for these guys!'  
Back to back, Chicky and Lottie, fought off the crowd of nerds, using simple Berettas, they weren't that strong. A felled Nerd crawled forward to extract blood to analyse, by means of gnawing on Lottie's ankle. Lottie lurched in pain.  
' Quit biting my idiot, you freak!' shrieked Chicky as she plunged her boot heel into it's nether regions.... Lottie struggled free, and together they took out the last stragglers. Bodies littered the halls of the Chemistry Block.' I thought, that if you got bitten by these guys, you turned into one of them' said Lottie as they jogged down the halls.  
' Yeah. But they made the virus, so we couldn't catch it' answered Chicky, quickly reloading her Beretta.  
' Oh yeah. Us and our roomies, are born with the ' anti zombie gene' so we're immune to zombie bites, how lucky are we? Also, why didn't you just kick the guy in the head?'  
' I could have, but if you attack the head, their brains swell up and explode, causing a lot of icky mess, plus it's more to do it this way!'Suddenly Lottie, stopped jogging and rolled up the sleeve of jacket. There were bite marks down it, and it was in need of medical care.  
' Lottie, that needs a herb'  
' Here's one, it only needs a little'  
They applied the herbs to the wound, which had already begun to seal up.  
' Lucky, that Missy has taken up the job as janitor, she's a fanatic on plants' said Lottie gingerly touching the patch of herbs.  
' Strange that someone with such a sadistic mind as Missy, should care for Begonias'  
' You know she only has them, cuz she can't be bothered to use the lavatory'  
' Lucky we took that course on the healing benefits of herbs, otherwise we would have been in a pickle!' said Chicky in a whimsical prep school voice.' Yeah, and I always carry my botany book around with me, just like my report on nerds, the diary of the dean, the reports of the virus and my nudist's journal'  
They jog on, and they come to one of the abandoned lecture rooms. Lottie opened the door and gave an exclaimation.  
' It has a Fire place!'  
  
' Maybe that's clue. A clue to get us out of this hellhole, which I studied hard and took a hard scholarship exam to get into'  
' It's suddenly gone cold. Why don't I light the fire place?'  
Lottie lighted the fireplace and the abstract picture on the opposite wall, shuddered and flew off the wall and started to dance to ' Dancing in the Moonlight'........................ The abstract markings morphing and changing as it danced closer....  
  
Chicky Tifa sez: Hey y'all , what dya think! ? These guys all exist and right now they're breathing down my neck so I'd better go...  
Please R&R. Stay tuned for the next installement!  
  



End file.
